How to make a relationship work and when to call it quits: Insights from Deborah Jeff and Jessica Keal

Understanding relationship priorities

Associate Jessica Keal stresses the importance of knowing what you want from a partner before entering a relationship. “For some people it’s kindness, for some it’s empathy, for some it’s financial stability. None of those priorities are wrong. Just make sure you’ve got them down,” she advises. “Understanding and reflecting on past relationships is a really good way of figuring this out. Thinking about those moments when perhaps it felt like a partner had let you down somehow. You needed them to be there for you in a way that they just couldn’t be. That’s often a good indication that a quality that you prioritise (empathy, ability to communicate, thoughtfulness) just wasn’t there. Then think about whether that was a deal-breaker. Do you need that in your partner to be happy? Be honest with yourself.”

Jessica added, “Sometimes a relationship can start with neither partner having any idea what their priorities are; they just know they like being with this person. If both partners grow together and they both figure out their priorities together, seeking to understand and respect what the other needs, then those relationships can be some of the strongest I’ve seen.”

She also highlights the necessity of physical attraction, dismissing the idea that attraction can grow over time if it’s not initially present. “You do need that spark,” Jessica says. “It used to drive me mad when people would say, ‘Oh, it’s a slow burner; the attraction will come.’ It’s OK to say the attraction does need to be there.”

Having important conversations

Jessica goes on to emphasise the need for early, unromantic discussions about critical aspects of life. “Those conversations are so crucial, as they’re the sort of things that can become deal breakers down the line,” she notes. Topics like children’s education and medical care preferences should be addressed early in the relationship to avoid future conflicts. “You often find that couples are so in love at the beginning of their relationship that they don’t think about things like, ‘Are we aligned on how our children will be educated or what medical care we want to receive?’”

Communication and arguments

According to Jessica, healthy arguments and open communication are essential. “You need to know that you can talk to your partner effectively to solve problems together, and you also need to trust that they will come to you if they are unhappy, instead of burying their head in the sand, or worse, just leaving the relationship.” she explains. It’s crucial to trust that your partner will communicate their unhappiness instead of ignoring issues, especially when children are involved, “I cannot stress how important it is to be able to communicate well when there are children involved. Having children is a wonderful thing, but it is also highly stressful.”

Handling difficult moments and seeking support

Partner Deborah Jeff acknowledges that difficult moments in relationships are normal and suggests seeking counselling during these times. “Going to couple’s counselling is always a good thing,” she says. “Trying to salvage a relationship rather than end it is usually the best for both parties, unless there’s domestic abuse. Also, if a relationship has to end, having emotional support allows us to ensure the legal process is as smooth as possible.” Counselling can help salvage a relationship or ensure a smooth legal process if separation is necessary.

Maintaining grace during a breakup

Deborah advises against publicising relationship issues, especially with the prevalence of social media. “It’s about maintaining respect for each other, particularly if you’ve got children,” she emphasises, noting that children can access online information in the future. Respectful behaviour helps preserve dignity and minimises the negative impact on everyone involved.

By focusing on clear priorities, effective communication, and seeking support when needed, relationships can be more resilient. However, when a relationship does end, handling it with grace and respect remains crucial.

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An extract of Deborah and Jess' comments were published in The Guardian online and in print, 3 August 2024.